The Difference Between Getting Back a Boyfriend and Getting Back a Girlfriend

The same principles apply whether you are trying to get back an ex boyfriend or an ex girlfriend.

Some people find this surprising but, as I've discussed in previous posts, the ex back plan works because it deals primarily with recreating attraction. The principles of attraction are tied more to human nature than to male versus female nature.

If you think of some of the more common principles of attraction, you'll see that they apply the same way to men and women.

For instance:

- The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
- We desire that which is just out of reach
- We tend to seek relationships with physicially healthy people

I could go on, but the point is made.

The aspects of attraction that are specific to gender type have already been taken care of - the fact that you and your ex were at one time both attracted to each other means that those aspects of attraction are already there (though they probably need to be boosted).

Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?

I just posted an article on my website that will help you decide whether or not you should get back together with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend.

Part 7 of 7: Wishful Thinking

The 7 Mistakes People Make When Trying to
Get Back Together With Their Ex's
Part 7 of 7

Mistake 7: Wishful Thinking

And, for the final mistake, I have saved the most common... wishful thinking.

There is a saying that is often referenced in regard to break ups:

"If you love something enough let it go free, if it doesn't return it was never meant to be."

It's comforting to think that fate will somehow handle our lives but let's be realistic... the fact is: your current situation is due to cause and effect and your future situation will be due to cause and effect. If you truly value your relationship with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend and want to get back together with them you are going to have to "cause" it to happen.

If you decide to just wait and see if your ex changes their mind you are taking a passive and lazy approach... one that is not likely to work out in your favor. In order for your ex to change their mind on their own they have to change their mind about the reasons they had for the breakup. Barring some kind of dramatic, paradigm shifting realization this probably isn't going to happen. A more proactive approach is for you to "cause" them to change their mind about the reasons they had for the break up. More precisely, you have to make yourself attractive enough that the reasons for the breakup are unimportant. Your role in "causing" this change in your ex's thinking is still passive in a sense but that doesn't make it ineffective.

No, this does not involve stalking, arguing, or anything else that would only cement the decision in your ex's mind. Rather, this involves you working on who you are and allowing your ex to realize, on their own, that you are a different person than you were when you were together. If they realize this they will be many more times more likely to "give it another chance." Basically, by improving yourself and making yourself more attractive you give them a compelling reason to get back together... in spite of their reasons for breaking up. This is the essence of the "How to Get Back Your Ex" plan and the reason it works so well.

If you are interested in getting back together with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend I highly recommend that you check it out:

Information on Getting Back Together with Your Ex Girlfriend or Ex Boyfriend

Highly Recommended Relationship Book

"How to Get Back Your Ex" deals with exactly that - it's a clear, effective plan for how to get back together with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. My aim in writing the book was not to write just another relationship book. It is an actionable plan for getting back your ex. It's not meant to be a "cure-all-your-relationship-problems" book. I do give a few tips that I feel are useful and relevant to getting back your ex but I certainly don't address everything that pertains to maintaining a healthy relationship.

I have been actively looking for a relationship book to recommend for people interested in this. To be honest, I hadn't found much of anything worth recommending... John Gray's very popular book "Men are From Mars Women are From Venus" is basically just his opinion. It's not backed up with research (in fact, a lot of research contradicts his claims). I wouldn't recommend it as more than entertainment. It may help you in some ways but the lack of scientific basis makes his conclusions and recommendations suspect.

I stumbled on this book about a week ago: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It's the answer to my prayers... I finally found a resource I can recommend without reservation.

Don't worry if you aren't married. This book is every bit as relevant to dating relationships (or even familial relationships for that matter). What separates this book from the rest of the herd is that the author, John Gottman, is THE preeminent research psychologist for all things that are relationships. He has been doing research experiments for something like 30 years. He's gotten to the point where from watching and analyzing a 5 minute video tape of a couple having a discussion, he is able to predict (WITH 91% ACCURACY!!!) whether or not the couple will end up getting divorced or staying together!!!! That is simply AMAZING. This is science-based, not a psychic power. (The particulars of how he does this are fascinating, and have some very real implications for how to go about getting your ex back, but not really relevant for this blog post... maybe a later one.)

Lucky for us, he's taken everything he's learned and created an excellent, practical guide to fixing relationship problems, keeping those problems for recurring, and maintaining a happy, healthy relationship.

The book is clear, extremely relevant, and actionable. I can't recommend it highly enough.

If you had relationship problems with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend this is simply THE book to get to start fixing them so that, after you get back together using my plan, you are able to stay together over the long haul.

Here is the link:



Looks like you can get it used for like 8 or 9 dollars... I'd pay hundreds for it considering what it's ALREADY done for me and my fiance.

Why Get Back With an Ex?

I find that people generally have two responses to my ebook, "How to Get Back Your Ex."

People either think it's great or they think it's a bad idea.

The people who think it's great are the one's who want to get back to their ex. They finally have an effective course of action to use when navigating the tricky and complicated dynamics of a post breakup relationship. The one's who think it's a bad idea are the ones who can't imagine why anyone would want to get back with their ex.

I'd like to address a couple of the arguments of those who think it's a bad idea.

First, to say that it's a bad idea to get back with an ex is assuming that there is automatically no value in a relationship simply because of a breakup. This is intuitively false. Two people might be great for each other but a relationship problem causes a breakup. If the problem can be solved then the relationship is fine and there is no inherent reason not to pursue it. Why throw away a great relationship instead of working on it and fixing it? To put it another way, a break up does not necessarily equal incompatibility, a lost cause, or something bad about two people being together.

Critics often assume that my approach somehow involves stalking an ex or something equally silly. This is defnitely not the case as anyone who has actually read the ebook knows. If anything, I preach the exact opposite. Besides, if the plan didn't work and customers were getting restraining orders right and left, I wouldn't be able to generate enough money to keep the website afloat for 5 years. This is just a silly assumption caused by ignorance.

I suppose my posting this defense is motivated by a pretty personal event in my life. I recently became engaged to a wonderful woman I dated for 5 years. During that the time we were dating we broke up a couple of times. If we hadn't been able to get back together I wouldn't have her in my life now or in the future. Every moment that I spend with her is confirmation to me that it is a worthwhile cause to help people get back together after a breakup.

Part 6 of 7: Foolish Pride

The 7 Mistakes People Make When Trying to
Get Back Together With Their Ex's
Part 6 of 7

Mistake 6: Foolish Pride

There is a certain amount of implied insult in a break up. The underlying message is "You are not good enough for me. I can do better."

Understandably, our egos and pride may not react well to this covert message.

The mistake of pride is different than the other mistakes in this series in that it is an error of omission as opposed to commission.

The insulted is either unwilling to consider the possibility that they should try to get back together or their pride may keep them from taking the necessary steps.

They say to themselves "My ex hurt me and I should not have to be the one to repair this... even though I want to be with him/her again."

Their attitude toward the breakup precludes any reparative action on their part. The steps they need to take to get back their ex are prevented by a hostile and self-important attitude.

The problem is that the relationship may have had value, it may have been overall very healthy, and the best thing for both partners, but they are unable to do anything about it because of "foolish pride!"

Of all the "most common mistakes" this is the least common because people who adopt a prideful attitude toward their ex and the breakup usually are not the one's actively pursuing information on how to get back together with their ex.

One of the reasons pride gets in the way is because people assume that they have to grovel, beg, apologize, or somehow humiliate themselves in order to win back their ex.

That is not the case! You should not do any of these things. These things would not contribute to attraction - which is the necessary ingredient in the recipe of getting back together.

For information on a better, more effective way of getting back together with your ex you can visit my website and learn more about my ebook.

Part 5 of 7: Reassurance You Have Changed

The 7 Mistakes People Make When Trying to
Get Back Together With Their Ex's
Part 5 of 7

Mistake 5: Reassurance You Have Changed

A person's habits and personality are relatively stable over their lifetime. I'm not saying that people don't change. I'm just saying it's uncommon, it takes time, and it's very difficult.

We all know this. None of us expect someone else to be a different person the next time we see them and none of us expect to wake up in the morning with different dreams, desires, and impulses. We expect a person's behavior to be consistent with their past behavior. And, based on experience, this is a reasonable expectation.

Who you are today is basically who you are going to be tomorrow. Who you are this year will be very similar to who you are next year.

Dramatic, lasting changes just don't happen outiside of Hollywood.

Telling your ex that you have changed and that things will be different is asking them to believe something that is intuitively untrue and contradicts their life experiences. It isn't going to work and such an attempt may hurt your credibility.

You are saying "I've changed. I'm a different person and things will be different now." But, the truth is you haven't changed... you are saying that you WILL BE a different person in the *future*. You may honestly feel like you are able to change your future behavior but that does not mean you are a changed person. It's an important distinction and one that your ex will automatically make as soon as the words come out of your mouth. It's a promise to be fulfilled at a later time, not something that has already occured (like you are claiming).

Of all the mistakes you could make when you are trying to get back your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend this one is the least harmful and most likely to work. That isn't to say that it not harmful and that it will work... I'm only speaking relative to the others.

It's not an effective approach to repairing your relationship and getting back together with your ex. I wouldn't advise it to anyone. It's a lame (though unconscious) attempt to decieve you ex... and they will probably see through it.

Rather than telling your ex that you've changed it's much more effective to SHOW THEM that you've changed. There are very specific ways of doing that and I outline them clearly in my book. If you have the time (5 minutes or so) you should defnitely take a moment to read more about it:

How to Get Back Your Ex Girlfriend or Ex Boyfriend

Part 4 of 7: Reasoning, Persuading, and Arguing

The 7 Mistakes People Make When Trying to
Get Back Together With Their Ex's
Part 4 of 7

Mistake 4: Reasoning, Persuading, and Arguing

The other day I was reading an ad for that beautiful new iPod I want to buy. I was reading it because I'm very interested in getting one. You could say that I'm reading it because I'm hoping it will talk me into finally plunking down the cash... because I DO want that iPod in my hands.

I also read a somewhat negative review of the new iPod. I'm already the proud owner of a 3rd generation iPod (the ones with the black and white screens) and I know that they are spectacular products - easy to use, reliable, and very chic. So, as I was reading this review and the author was picking on so-called "flaws" I'm thinking to myself "Hmm, I never had a problem with that," "There is a solution to that, Dummy," and "You don't know what you are talking about!" Basically, I was arguing with the reviewer in my head.

My point (yes, I DO have a point) is this...

Words are persuasive when they are convincing us to do something that we already want to do. We go along with it without resisting. But, when words are trying to persuade us to do something that we don't want to do, they can actually make us more firm and confident in our decision because they force us to come up with counter arguments. In other words, they backfire.

So...

When you are trying to convince your ex to get back together, you are trying to get them to do something that they already decided they didn't want to do when they broke up with you.

As you are saying...

"We were so good together. Do you really want to throw that away?"

Your ex is thinking...

"Yes, that's why I broke up with you. Things weren't that great anyway. We were always fighting. I think I am better off with someone else."

(Of course, what they are thinking and what they are willing to say are probably two entirely different things. Hopefully the latter is more kind.)

Basically, when you try to use persuasive arguments you force your ex to come up with equally persuasive counter responses - reasons why what you are saying is wrong and what they are doing is right.

You are asking them to explain and justify their decision... and in the process of doing that they are reinforcing the idea, in their mind, that you SHOULDN'T get back together!

The more you push the deeper they have to dig their heels into the ground to keep their footing. You are solidifying rather than dissolving their justifications for the break up.

As with all the other common mistakes people make when trying to get back together with their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend, people shoot themselves in the foot with this one.

It seems logical, it's very tempting, but remember: arguing with someone about a decision they wanted to make is like trying to talk me out of a new iPod... it just isn't going to happen.

If you are looking for a more effective way of getting back together with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend I encourage you to learn more about my ebook "How to Get Back Your Ex."

Part 2 of 7: Looking for sympathy

The 7 Mistakes People Make When Trying to
Get Back Together With Their Ex's
Part 2 of 7

Mistake 2: Looking for sympathy

When you first met your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, do you think they were attracted to you because you were depressed? Did you strive to be unhappy around them? Did they respect you because of your self pity and broken spirit?

It's unlikely because these are not the qualities or behaviors that people find attractive in a potential girlfriend or boyfriend.

We find the exact opposite attractive... upbeat, friendly, and motivated people are one's that we want to be with in a romantic relationship. These qualities are attractive and lead to love and respect.

But, in an anguished and distorted post break up mental state, we somehow convince ourselves that if we can make our ex feel sorry enough for us they will want to get back together. So, we may act sullen and depressed... wallowing (as dramatically as possible) in our self pity. Or, we may act out - getting very upset and behaving in ways we normally wouldn't (often doing stupid things we regret later) - hoping that our ex will realize just how much pain the break up is causing us and how hard it is for us to live without them.

Basically, we do the opposite of what brought us together with our girlfriend or boyfriend in the first place. While we should be making ourselves more attractive, instead we pour all our energy into making ourselves unattractive!

If you take a step back and look at what is really happening, it's easy to see that this isn't at all logical or productive.

We turn to desperate and counter productive approaches like this when we feel we have no alternatives or options.

For those who are willing to set their self pity aside there is a better way of getting back an ex. Refuse to sink into negative feelings and behaviors. Everyone is able to do this. The first step is realizing that depression and self pity aren't helping you get back with your ex, achieve your goals, or create the life you want.

To summarize, it is not necessary to be self-destructive to get back your ex. It's actually quite harmful.

If you would like a step-by-step plan for repairing your relationship and getting back your ex feel free to learn more about my book "How to Get Back Your Ex" by visiting my website on getting back together with your ex.